Corporate bad behaviour

I’ve worked with corporates, but never in Corporate.

I’ve worked in all of these other alternatives to the corporate life:

• Public Sector
• Startup
• SME
• Social Enterprise
• School
• Non-profit

…but never before have I had to manage multiple bosses’ disagreements, navigate office politics of promotion and favour or get stabbed in the back by my own team.

This could also mean that my perception of Corporate as all of the above (and worse) is incredibly warped. I am sure there exist Corporates, and people working in corporate who have never experienced any of that in their entire careers. Genuinely happy for you, and share with me the good stuff!

But even as someone who has only had to work with Corporate, man…I think the worst thing I can figure out about corporate culture is that it normalises – and maybe even rewards – terrible & infantile behaviour to fellow human beings and adults.

behaviour 1: assert authority

It’s always a power game in this Corporate jungle.

You gotta know who’s the boss, or they’ll remind you and put you in your place. There is a social order to Corporate and it’s not just about who does what but who gets to tell you what to do.

I’ve been lucky to only ever have two individuals raise their voice directly to me in a working environment. Neither were colleagues and at each of the separate times it happened, it seemed to me like entirely out of the blue. But looking back, it was in response to me not giving what they wanted, how & when they wanted – entirely unacceptable from a subordinate (who did not, before that, realise he was seen as one).

Sometimes, it’s more subtle. It’s a remark that sounds like a joke from a “bigger” organisation (haha, don’t so kilat lah, later we look bad) or a warning (it looks like you guys are cannibalising everything). Other times, you don’t get the punchdown directly but it’s done to other poor souls in front of you. In many ways, that feels much worse.

behaviour 2: never apologise

I can’t deal with adults raising voices at me. I can’t even pretend to see you in the same way.

I recently reflected that this (and not parade drills or uniforms or wtv) was the true reason why I despised NPCC back in Secondary School – random teenager named Neville screaming in your face and calling you maggot for moving when you’re not supposed to? Sorry, not my vibe.

The consequence of my subsequently apparent cold front once this happens though, is that (I think) these people feel…bad.

I’m glad if they do. And honestly, if I got a proper, sincere apology, I’d wipe the slate clean. Forgive and forget. But sorry really, really does seem to be the hardest word.

Far easier (if you’re avoiding your own conscience like a bad smell) is to treat everyone to a fancy dinner in the guise of an AAR after, discuss nothing, big smiles and “no hard feelings, eh?”… or if you do manage to get called out, just shrugs and “that’s how it is. that’s life. sucks to be you.”

The quotes are real, and also evidence that while I have since strived to forgive and accept that that was the best attempt at a apology which could be offered, forgetting is pretty hard.

behaviour 3: extract “standards”

Corporate demands quality – but this is quality defined by their own parameters alone.

It’s KPI-infused Brain brought to managing people, when the true KPI was about managing your self. I don’t have your KPI. I don’t define winning, excellence or quality the same way as you.

When it overlaps, all is well. But when it doesn’t? You are the orange, and the results are the juice. Prepare to be squeezed because Corporate needs OJ and it needs it NOW.

Any dissent isn’t a different viewpoint but rather a descent into mediocrity and poor standards. How many times in history has uttering the sentence, I don’t care how it’s done, I just want it done led to disaster and destruction – on a person but also on entire ecosystems and societies? I suspect it has a lot to answer for on the Day of Judgement.

Work is serious, but it isn’t that serious. Just because you don’t want to understand, or maybe you don’t want to explain to your boss why x isn’t done because no matter if 1) it wasn’t possible, 2) a good idea or 3) actually done but not in the way he wanted, all he’ll hear is it wasn’t done and you’ll get your head screamed off, you turn on the juicer for the next person in line?

Nah. That’s not how we roll. That’s not how it works in society, or anywhere else with mature, well-adjusted adults interacting with each other. Corporate behaviour is messed up precisely because they don’t care how it’s done.

How we do something is how we do everything. I hope you understand.