Everyone tells us we’re living in the age of the self.
Never before in history have humans been presented with the amount of (seemingly) infinite choices in (almost) every decision, and the (apparent) freedom to choose exactly what we (think we) want.
This is often phrased as a modern construct. Other times, it’s seen through the lens of Western imperialism, continuing to colonise our thoughts and actions vs indigenous, more communal cultures. No invention is as representative of this age as the algorithmic newsfeed – curated exclusively For You in response to your clicks and non-clicks, likes and non-likes, hours spent on/off the feed. We’ve all had that feeling where it “knows” what we “want.”
In the face of all this, there are two reactions…and a third way I would like to propose here.
between angel & demon
I did a research project at 14 on nature vs nurture – a question that is as intrinsic to your view of the self as it is completely a dead discourse today.
That’s partly because it’s mostly outward-looking. Nature vs nurture is usually less about ourselves as it is about other people: children, society, the youth…but not our own inner selves.
In this age then, the invisible debate is this: do we embrace or reject the self?
The dominant view is quite literally self-acceptance. Today’s language of validation, therapy and self-care puts the self on a godly level – as the self becomes the master, we become self-ish.
But the other dominant view (it depends which circles you’re in, but this makes me think of angry preachers, religious or otherwise) is self-rejection. The self is a beast, a demon that needs to be controlled, treated with suspicion and overcome.
The problem with these two opposite approaches is twofold:
- They’re so extreme
- Because how you see the self is how you see yourself, it shapes everything.
We can run away from many things in life, but we can’t get rid of our selves. We have to live together, until we die.
Treat the self as master and it will ruin us. Treat the self as a curse and we ruin ourselves. The need for a third way is clear.
the nafs as a child
Consider a child.
Sometimes good, sometimes bad. Sometimes selfish, sometimes kind. Sometimes rewarded, sometimes punished.
I’m not a parent, but I think every single parent would see themselves as at least trying to avoid the two extreme ends of parenting: 100% permissive vs 100% authoritative. Every parent would also tell you that it depends – on a) the situation, b) the individual child and c) the outcomes you’re prioritising at any given moment.
The self is neither God nor demon – it is a child.
Why do the “self=demon” group seem so joyless? Probably because they lock up their inner child.
At the same time, “self=god” makes people immature and childish regardless of age (think Donald Trump), because the kid is at the wheel.
A big part of being a well-adjusted adult is having a well-educated inner child self. Free to play, explore and have fun, but knows his limits and when to behave.
what does your inner child need?
It depends. You know them best.
I’ve had a recent realisation that as an (actual) child, I was much, much more creative than I am today. I drew, I read and wrote stories and comic books, I played for hours with legos and hot wheels. My life journey since has taught me to be a bit suspicious of my self, and don’t let it control me, my actions and emotions.
I’m on a path now to loosen the reins a little bit. It’s been scary – because after your 20s, you’ve already built up some sense of self that it feels crazy to tear some parts down. But if I can’t do it in my 30s, what makes me think I can rebuild myself in my 50s and 60s?
So that’s the outcome I want: letting little Zaid play again. I thought I knew him, but more observation and experimentation is needed to understand if I really do. And in every situation, I’ll try to see how I can make use of this knowledge to try and reach this outcome.
I imagine this as good practice for parenting – but also a Necessary Practice for parenting. If there’s one modern term I’m open to adopting, it’s to heal your inner child.
No, I’m not giving lil zaid the wheel. But he’s good company to ride with – and don’t sit at the back. You’re big now. Help me navigate, ride shotgun at the front here with me.
