I.
You always have to start from your self. With everything.
The key word that differentiates this from destructive, individualistic selfishness is start. After starting, you must continue. Who starts the engine to sit in the carpark?
But this start is important, because it is the only thing we truly own. Not our bodies, not our minds – even these fail us sometimes. But the soul. The soul intends, chooses, decides. Everything that happens after is Allah’s Will. But did we intend good in every choice and decision?
What happens when we pretend to be selfless? An impossible task for any single human across all of history, but what if we pretended…to be God? Then opinions become laws, and preferences become prescriptions. Have you ever heard someone say “I did this for you” and sound completely selfish at the same time? That’s how pretending sounds like.
The worst part about pretending there is no self, and at the same time why I remind myself to always start with it is this: when we don’t do it, we give up this freedom to choose. We let others choose for us, the media, our assumptions, society, laws, laziness, ChatGPT…David Foster Wallace (still) said it best:
…the liberal arts cliché about teaching you how to think is actually shorthand for a much deeper, more serious idea:
learning how to think really means learning how to exercise some control over how and what you think.
It means being conscious and aware enough to choose what you pay attention to and to choose how you construct meaning from experience. Because if you cannot exercise this kind of choice in adult life, you will be totally hosed.
Again, we have to go further than choosing how to think and let these conscious thoughts shape our actions. What the modern-day philosopher calls high agency, the Qur’an calls amanah (a responsibility entrusted, and chosen by humans).
The most human thing is to choose. Why give that up?
II.
But you also have to get smarter at choosing what to choose.
This week, I rewatched Yes Man, a dumb comedy that I described in my journal as “formational”:
[Yes Man was a] story of a man who (after being burnt by a yes) said no to everything, said yes to everything.
why did this mean so much to 19-year-old Zaid? because he had choices to make. and at the end of the movie, former No Man and recovering Yes Man became Choice Man. Choose yes, or choose no – but choose.
I made a modified rule for myself back then: if the only reason you have for saying No is that you’re lazy or scared, then you must say Yes.
It worked.
When you say yes, you go through doors, windows and even walls in the journey of life. That’s great for seeing the world! But you must also eventually learn that some doors are better closed.
I got tired, burnt out, did things I hated or was just bad at and had no motivation to improve on. I also overstepped the boundaries of my amanah into that of others. I made mistakes.
Because we have limited energy, or limited time, or whatever’s behind a door is bad/soul-sucking/something you’d rather not do – you can just…walk past those doors without much thought. They’re choices, but not for you, and you know this because you know yourself, your limits and responsibilities and what you’re good at/bad at and enjoy/hate.
Treating every choice as life-changing is almost just as bad as making no choices. Some choices are obvious, and some don’t matter. Wisdom is when you can tell which ones do.
III.
There’s one more reason why you should give up a choice: to let other people choose.
If to choose is the most human act, then why must we take that away from others and keep it all for ourselves?
But okay, you’re not a total dictator. You let people choose – but because they don’t know better, you’ll limit their choices to the things that don’t ultimately matter. Or more accurately, choices that don’t set limits on you. This is simply manipulation, dehumanising and not fooling anyone at all.
What if they really don’t know better?
Then teach. Teach and let people choose what’s within their amanah.
If you keep choosing for them, they will never know better.
And if they fall? Choose to be kind. You’re on your own test – don’t become a test for others while you’re at it.